Keepsakes and Treasures

1. You like pudding.
2. You like cake.
3. You’ve never been to the beach.
4. You’ve never been to the ocean.
5. You live in the United States.
6. You’ve smoked weed.
7. You’ve smoked cigarettes.
8. You’ve cheated on a test at school.
9. You’ve ran when you were angry.
10. You’ve cried yourself to sleep.
11. You’ve written a poem.
12. You’ve written a story.
13. You like thunderstorms and rain.
14. You like the snow.
15. You prefer warm weather.
16. You sleep with a fan on.
17. You sleep with the TV on.
18. You’ve sang a song all the way through today.
19. You talked to someone you didn’t like today.
20. You’ve drank a whole carton of milk by yourself.
21. You bought something you didn’t need recently.
22. You are wearing jewelry of some kind right now.
23. You’ve drank alcohol.
24. You’ve went trick or treating when you were too old.
25. You have went ice skating.
26. You have went roller blading.
27. You’ve been on a skateboard.
28. You have a pet at your house.
29. You like cats.
30. You like dogs.
31. You enjoy Italian food.
32. You enjoy Mexican food.
33. You enjoy Asian food.
34. You enjoy American food.
35. You’re listening to music right now.
36. You’ve slept walked.
37. You’re currently mad at someone.
38. You’re currently annoyed.
39. You’re currently in a good mood.
40. You like Tic Tacs.
41. You’re currently tired.
42. Your favorite band is the Beatles.
43. You’ve painted your face before.
44. You have a job.
45. You hate your life.
46. You want to go to the movies.
47. You’ve played Strip Poker.
48. You like to play card games.
49. You’re currently bored.
50. You’re currently hungry.

A few weeks ago I had the miserable experience of reading Twilight. A friend bought it for me and I took it with me to read on a long flight from Seattle to Houston. I knew it was going to be crappy, but I thought it would be a guilty pleasure kind of crappy — where you know it’s bad but you still get enjoyment out of it. I actually managed to power through around 400 pages until I gave up and started reading Sky Mall. I’ve been seeing Twilight everywhere lately, especially with Vampire Teens II New Moon’s release, so I thought I’d break down why chicks go apeshit for it.

First off, the author creates a main character which is an empty shell. Her appearance isn’t described in detail; that way, any female can slip into it and easily fantasize about being this person. I read 400 pages of that book and barely had any idea of what the main character looked like; as far as I was concerned she was a giant Lego brick. Appearance aside, her personality is portrayed as insecure, fumbling, and awkward — a combination anyone who ever went through puberty can relate to. By creating this “empty shell,” the character becomes less of a person and more of something a female reader can put on and wear. Because I forgot her name (I think it was Barbara or Brando or something like that), I’m going to refer to her as “Pants” from here on out.

So after a few chapters of listening to Pants whine about high school, sucking at volleyball, and being the center of attention, the second major character is introduced. Imagine everything women want in a man, then exaggerate it by ten thousand — and you’ve got Edward Cullen. The level of detail that the author goes into while describing Edward’s appearance is remarkable. At one point while reading I started counting the number of times the author used the expression “Edward’s perfect face,” and it was far into the double digits. The author excruciatingly details his muscular pecs, clothing, hair, eye color — even his goddamn breath (I’m not joking).

Edward intensely listens to everything Pants has to say, even if she’s bitching about she had diarrhea on Christmas or her preferred method for cutting a sandwich in half. As far as the reader is concerned, Edward cares about nothing in the world more than Pants. What the author has done is created a perfect male figure — a pale Greek statue which the reader can worship and in turn be worshipped by.

So what about men that like Twilight?
If you’re male and you like Twilight, you’re gay. I don’t mean that in the derogatory sense, I mean it in the “you want to put your testicles against another man’s testicles while gripping handfuls of chesthair” kind of way.

And the movie?
The movie is just the same uninspired crap shat out onto a film reel. If you like the taste of horse manure on your bologna sandwiches, you’re probably gonna like it on your birthday cake as well. The same principle applies with Twilight.

Beyond that, it’s just a romance novel with the occasional vampire teen drama bullshit peppered here and there. It doesn’t really break any new ground in the realm of vampire fiction, other than portraying vampires as a family of uncomfortable retards who prance around the woods eating deer and bunny rabbits. There’s lots of nervous lip-biting, tender kisses between Pants and Edward, and lengthy descriptions of every feature of Edward’s body. Pants is a static character who never really progresses beyond being an insecure vampire fangirl who obsesses over Edward. Whether her character grows beyond that is unknown to me, I’d stopped reading by then and shifted my attention to an electric butt-massaging chair in Sky Mall.

(via The Oatmeal/rentedsurroundings/livesophia/sergeantkero)

10 Thing’s You Want For Christmas:

1. Black Prima Crocs. Ha.
2. Black wool oversized cardigan.
3. A decent pair of black leather shoes.
4. Sandman Comics.
5. Paris Hilton perfume.
6. A new pair of light blue skinny jeans.
7. A black studded leather bag.
8. Macbook. LOL.
9. A pair of black Havaianas Fit.
10. More Gaiman books!

9 Musicians/Bands You Love:

1. Kula Shaker
2. The Killers
3. Klaxons
4. Lady Gaga
5. Bjork
6. Ladyhawke
7. Radiohead
8. The Cardigans / A Camp
9. Kings of Leon

8 Things You Do Everyday:

1. Tumblr
2. Twitter
3. Text my boyfriend
4. Sleep
5. Eat a lot
6. Daydream
7. Wash my hair
8. Talking

7 Things I Enjoy:

1. Reading
2. Polyvore-ing
3. Browsing fashion editorials
4. Writing
5. Hugging
6. Daydreaming
7. Listening to music

6 Things That Will ALWAYS Win Your Heart

1. Freaky-ness
2. Books
3. Hamsters
4. Attention
5. Edge
6. Good music
7. Funny jokes

5 Favorites:

1. Movie: The Darjeeling Limited
2. Song: Reckoner - Radiohead (all-time favorite)
3. Book: Fragile Things - Neil Gaiman
4. Food: Red Bean Soup
5. Season: Summer

4 Smells You Enjoy:

1. Bvlgari Aqva
2. NEW BOOKS, DAMMIT
3. Rain
4. Vanilla

3 Places You Want To Go:

1. New York City
2. London
3. India

2 Holidays You Love:

1. Christmas (my birthday)
2. Summer

1 Person You Would Marry On The Spot:

My boyfriend. ;)

(via sergeantkero/yerawizardharry/humanekilling/luvalways)